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Identity and Why I can’t Seem to Hold on to One

Identity and Why I can’t Seem to Hold on to One

For as long as I can remember I have flitted from one thing to the next. I get really into something, so passionately, then soon after boredom sets in and I leave what I was doing behind, to pursue the next big thing. I’ve often wished that I had a sturdy hobby. One that I genuinely love and would able to put time and effort into. It would seem this just isn’t me. I’m fickle and I really wish I wasn’t.

The trouble with moving so quickly between one passion and the next, is that forming an identity around what I love is difficult. I’m not the same person for long enough to maintain an identity that will stick with me. When I became a hairdresser, I supposed that ‘Stylist‘ would be my title for the rest of my days. Then, a few short years later I left the scissors behind to become a full-time parent. I can’t keep up with myself.

Learning to be me –

Without a solid identity, I find if difficult to really ‘be‘. In the last 28 years, contentment hasn’t been on my radar. I’m always looking for the next thing, never stopping to smell the roses. I wonder if I find it so hard because I’m not happy to be me, but I’m sure this isn’t true. Over the last few years, especially since I became a parent, being me has been pretty good. In a lot of ways I know myself better than I’ve ever done before, but if you asked me to identify myself outside of being ‘mum‘ I’d struggle.

I’m not a Hairdresser, nor a business woman, I’m not an employee and I’m not driven to educate myself in a particular field. The me I am now and I suppose the me I have always been, is in limbo. Waiting for a formal identity to smack me in the face. Maybe if I’d been an academic, gotten a degree and pursued a career in something then I’d have something to fall back on.

Bringing up strong women –

I’ve talked this over with my husband a lot and I feel that it’s important that our girls are able to do the above. To forge a career and gain an identity for themselves, separate to anyone else. Whether rightly or wrongly, I believe that this will give them to ability and drive to stand on their own two feet. I want them to believe that they are strong, capable women. To know who they are and to be proud of it.

Inadequacies –

It’s possible that I struggle with my identity so much, because I feel inadequate in my current roles. Maybe if I was more confident in myself, I’d have an easier time recognising exactly who I am. I know that I’m a mother and that is the most important role I have, but there has to be something else that feels as important. Something that fills the identity void I have.

I know a lot of strong, accomplished women who have manged to bring up children alongside a career. I admire them greatly. Their worlds are different to mine and they have different priorities, I know this. I’m aware that my inadequacies are lapses in confidence rather than actually falling short in life.

I’m the me I’m supposed to be –

Deep down, I believe I’m already the me I’m supposed to be. By spending far too much time worrying about what I haven’t done with my life, it’s easy to forget about the achievements I have firmly under my belt. I’m intelligent and resourceful. I’m kind, caring and pride myself in being able to relate to almost anyone who crosses my path. I’m honest and I’m strong. When I really think about it, I do know who I am. I focus a lot on defining myself by career, when actually being my whole self is so much more important. 

 

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