Even before I was pregnant I had a clear idea of who I would be as a mother. My children would listen to me, they wouldn’t throw tantrums and we would enjoy playing all day. I also didn’t feel like I would need to work, being a SAHM would be enough. I had the rest of my life planned out.
After having my girls I tried to keep up this façade. It was exhausting, I mean who was I trying to kid? Who was I trying to impress? Now that my girls are coming up to two and one, I have acknowledged that I’m not the mother that I thought I’d be. More importantly I can finally admit that that’s OK.
In many ways being a parent hasn’t changed me, I’m still kind and humble. I’m easy-going and keen to please. But who knew that having children would give me more confidence than I’ve ever had. Who knew that I’d find the voice that’s been hidden away for too long and who knew that I’d finally realise that standing up for what I believe in is a good thing.
Motherhood is amazing, it’s also hard and tiring. There are often times when I’m not at the top of my game and there are always times when I feel like I need a break. I know now that it’s ok to feel this way and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.
Motherhood also brings with it mountains of advice from numerous sources. I know now that I don’t have to act on this advice. I know now that Hubs and I know what’s best for our children, believing in ourselves is key.
The best thing about not being the mother that I thought I’d be, is seeing the mother that I’ve become. I’m more relaxed, happier and I feel free. Free to bring up my children in my own way, free to make my own decisions and free to enjoy as much of it as I can.
Thinking back over the last two years, I feel like I regret a lot of it. Looking at this regret positively though means that I’ve been able to learn from it. I’ve rediscovered myself through briefly becoming a person that I didn’t want to be.