As the first birthday of my second baby draws near I’ve found myself re-evaluating our family situation. Little E’s birthday will also mark the second anniversary of me giving up my business to become a SAHM. A dream I’d had for years.
For a while I thought that I could do the SAHM thing, I got pregnant so soon after my first that work was the last thing on my mind. This was what I was supposed to do. However after Little E was born and our lives settled into a new routine, I began to realise that staying at home all of the time just wasn’t my calling.
These last two years have been the most amazing but most difficult of my life. I got through most of it minute by minute, the only way I knew how. I have been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, weeks then months passed by and I found myself sinking deeper into depression. Not knowing which way to turn or how to pick myself up.
I’ve struggled with feeling like this for far too long, but how could I admit that I didn’t want to be at home with my children all of the time? How could I be so ungrateful of my privileged position? Would my children forgive me for going back to work? What would people think of me? Have I failed?
I realise now how irrational my thought processes have been. I know that it’s ok to want to work, to have time with adults and to create an identity for myself outside of being a mother. I know that it’s ok to leave my children with someone other than myself. They will be safe, happy and most likely have a ball without me.
Enough is enough. Hubs and I have set the wheels in motion so that soon I will get one whole day to myself each week. Daddy day care will commence! I will get myself ready, wear nice clothes and make up. I will get into my car and listen to music as loud as I wish. For one day I will be me. The me that I used to be, because that’s OK.